Once again, I sit down with nothing to write about. I don’t know why I’ve gotten so fussy about sitting down to the computer with a prepared speech to type in; nevertheless, it would be nice, knowing others are reading this, to have some organization of thoughts. In closer thinking, this delimma about having nothing or not knowing what to write mimics my daily living. My thoughts are more often than not disorganized and disarrayed. I saw my T. today and in mid-sentence I couldn’t remember what we were discussing. It happens constantly with my husband, D. So all I can try to do is be gentle with myself, give the reader credit that they will stick with me through the process, and if not, that it is important for me to continue blogging so as to document my journey.
My journal is no different. I reserve that for the “secrets”; the things that aren’t really for public consumption. But I haven’t been writing in it lately. Facing the journal is really disturbing because it brings everybody out. My members often want to come out and write and then they get adamant and loud and purposeful and they overtake me. I try asking them to step back, talk one at a time. Sometimes I’m successful, other times I can’t hang in there with it and I end up downing the tranqs. In addition, the journal makes me feel like a failure. I feel like I should great big epiphanies and the babal facets of life aren’t what the members should be writing about. They should be journaling their memories and their experiences. I feel like a lot of times what they write is inconsequential. But who am I to judge and decide what is important and should be written? I’m not the censor.
I guess it comes down to (sorry, I know I’ve said it before, so I don’t mean to whine) having a lot of success in residential treatment and that now that I’m home it has gone to hell. I remember a lot of the skills I was taught, but I’m not finding them useful. In R.T. the littles were starting to tell their stories; now, they’ve just kind of shut down. I can’t get anyone to really talk to me. I get these images that they send up. Nothing of the abuse, but they are images that I don’t remember like how a balmy summer night felt riding my bike or fishing in the grandparent’s lake or the big Barbie dream house at the end of the bed. Those images, feelings, and senses they give me and it drives me bloody mad. I don’t understand the point.
I tell myself they have to let their story be told at their pace but their pace seemed a lot faster in res. tx. I feel like I’m going no where, and, ironically, I want to get better. We keep sabatoging ourselves, but deep down we want to get better.
Do people get better, or do they fool themselves into getting better? When I was working out this morning I was thinking about what I would write in the blog. I was determined it would be absolutely positive and there would be nothing that sounded whiny or self-pitiable in it. We have parts that want to get better. This is no way to live. What will we do, what lengths will we go to, what are we willing to give up to make it happen?
Something for us to think about for tomorrows post. Yeah! We already have a topic in mind. Go, us!!!!