I’m hacked. I just sat and blogged for fifteen minutes and lost it all. Dammit to $#@&! It wasn’t important anyway. Mostly it was about how my blogs are aimless and pointless and don’t have a theme. Like Clinically Clueless wrote recently about suicide and a member of Jumping in Puddles wrote about God and Jesus and Lola wrote candidly about her eating disorder. I never know what to write.
I offer rambles to the readers. Little snippets about my day and my pretensions of recovery. I see my T. 3x a week now, yet he only calls it a lapse, not a relapse. Whatever the fuck you call it, I’m going down, fast and furious. I’m pissed off at something I saw on Dr. Phil today. Of course I’ll watch anything on eating disorders and he featured males with eating disorders. The guest doctor he featured on there was from Rogers Memorial Hospital in Wisconsin. It was a psychiatrist I had seen before, although he wawsn’t my assigned doctor. In any case, I was a little stunned. Whatever. Dr. Phil was talking about how Rogers Memorial was a cutting edge hospital and was the best of the best. It upset me. I attended Rogers before and I thought if this hospital is really the best of the best then what hope is there for me. If I attended the best of the best and I’m still eating and throwing up and exercising 95 minutes in one day, what do I have to say for myself.
I hate myself all the more as I write this post. When will it dawn on me? I have goals and aspirations. I want to go back to school; I want to be an English teacher and eventually get my post doc degree and teach college. So what is wrong with me? Why am I LETTING myself plunge so deeply in this eating disorder? I feel like a disgusting, worthless human being. I’m an embarassment to myself.
I pay a heavy price to keep the eating disorder and the illusion of recovery. But I know no other way for safety, asylum, and protection. I try to balance between the two.
My head is switching alot right now. I can’t get my thoughts out. The alters that sabotage my recovery are competing with the members that keep the eating disorder. I’m in between with a spinning head. Stripped of identity, voice, and opinion. I know this makes no sense but they’ve taken me.
It makes me really sad. My heart is heavy and I just want to go away.