I read this book to my littles tonight. I was impressed with what Bee said on my comments page about what she does for her littles, including her adolescent parts and it motivated me to do more for my littles. When I read this book for the first time it made me cry. It is such a sweet and nurturing book. I really felt comforted by it. Tomorrow (Wednesday) I meet with Dietician. I’m terrified she will tell me I gained weight. I’m scared because I feel like I’ve gained weight and that will further increase my thoughts of being a failure. I’m struggling exceptionally with body image and I hate it. When will the struggle be over? Adhering to my meal plan right now is the only measure of success I have. It’s the only thing I can track. It’s easy to say, “Yes, I’ve followed my meal plan the last thirty days” but it’s not so easy to say I’ve changed my view of myself for the past thirty day. I guess the behavior comes first and then the thoughts. Kind of like if you start smiling when you’re depressed you might feel better. I know I haven’t changed my thoughts and that has been making it worse because I am NOT at all happy that I’m being successful at my meal plan.
Speaking of meal plans, here’s some of what’s been on my plate lately:This is a packet of instant organic oatmeal and flaxseed with soy milk. It taste almost like rice pudding or tapioca pudding. It’s thick but fluffy and so yummy.
A blurry picture of a raisin oat bran muffin chopped up in Oikos honey yogurt, blackberries, and a spoonfull of Almond Butter. I died and went to heaven.
Here, I tangoed with a mango, and the mango won. It’s my favorite fruit in the world.
I can measure my progress by how well I stayed with my meal plan. But even those accomplishments are not sitting right with me. I feel angry with myself for following the meal plan; for doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I remember feeling so empowered when I first started with my meal plan. I was confident that I could follow it and somehow learn to love my body.
Homemade vegetarian wrap, orange, and a salad monster. I am the queen of salads.
Fresh strawberries and cocoa almonds. Tastes just like a chocolate covered strawberry. And the company of a good mystery/thriller makes for an even better snack.
But a part of me is definitely rebelling. I hate my body; I hate my meal plan; I hate myself for following said meal plan. How can one be angry with doing what’s right? Well, one can and one does.Not my favorite meal, and it did follow a food ritual: the foods must not touch and must be eaten in a specific order. Note to self: food rituals DON’T make the calories go away. Tofu, quinoa, asparagus, and an Oikos honey yogurt.
I’m more especially upset that I haven’t been able to exercise as much as I used to for health reasons. For six weeks or so I have been feeling fatigued and dizzy; dizzy to the point of passing out. I can’t work out when I’m exhausted or about to faint on the exercise machine. Food just tastes better when it’s eaten off my Charleston, South Carolina plate. I made this while in residential treatment. I wanted to associate food with my happy place, and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Charleston. I love the history, the culture, the beaches. Did I mention I love it?
I’ve been to my PCP, a cardiologist, my psychiatrist, and a neurologist. No one can provide me with any concrete answers as to why I have these symptoms. It makes me feel hopeless to be dizzy everyday for the past give or take six weeks and not be any closer to finding the reasons behind it. *Sigh* I realize this post is depressing. I try to keep it positive, but I’m just not in that place right now. I’m not good at asking for what I need, but I’ll try here. I really need words of support and understanding, so if you have something to say, drop me a line.