Here’s your sign

It happened again. Oh yes, it did!

Let me set the scene for you. So I’ve had a pain in my back for 10.5, and, no, it’s not my husband. I have a herniated disc, L5 S1. So I get epidurals (ouch is right!) every six months or so. Well today I went to my epidural and I haven’t seen this doctor since last year and the first thing he says is, “You’ve gained a few pounds.” WTF? Do I have a sign on me that reads, “Please call me fat”? Does it read “I already have poor body image, so let’s kick her while she’s down.” I mean come on people!! You’ve got to be kidding me with this! Twice in one week I’ve been reminded that I’ve gained weight. Lunch – Grillers burger, sandwich thin, sweet potatoes (first time eating them) and a salad monster. Oh. Dried mangos.This bowl is one of the pieces I did in residential treatment. It’s to remind me that dreaming, loving, and hoping are things I can have if I just fight one meal/snack at a time.
I cried in Dietician’s office today. I never cry. Someone in the system has taken away the tears. But tonight I cried and it felt good. We talked about my body image and how I feel like I’ve gained weight. She weighed me and, miracle of miracles, my weight was the same. Then why do I feel so freakin’ fat? Princess Graham Snacks. For the littles, of course. There was a time I would deny my littles the pleasure of a graham snack in the shape of tiaras and princess faces. Shame on me.

To be honest and paranoid I don’t really trust the numbers she is working with. I don’t trust her to tell me I’ve maintained when I’ve actually gained weight. I don’t know that she would actually tell me the truth. I have these thoughts that I’ll weigh myself in addition to her weighing me so that I can be assured she’s not lying to me. My wise mind says she’s not lying, but the ED voice is just a little louder and more persuasive. I did have a soda monster tonight, but not a salad monster. It was all about the asparagus. Steamed then mixed with a little bit of spread and salted until my blood pressure went up. Included is a veggie patty sandwich, vegetable root chips, and a yogurt.
I went to A.N.A.D. (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) tonight. The topic of the meeting was about feeling fat and having poor body image. Was this of divine arrangement because it was totally appropriate for what I’m dealing with? We talked about feeling fat or being obsessed with weight and what the feelings are underneath feeling fat. When did that feeling start? Do these fat feelings coincide with anything going on in therapy or some life event like being reminded twice in one week that you’re not as skinny as you were.This has got to be the best oatmeal I’ve ever eaten. I don’t know if it’s because its organic, but it has something going on with it. I used Agave syrup in my oatmeal because I heard great things about it. For example, because it’s concentrated, you only need a little bit. In addition, it has a low glycemic index so it won’t spike your blood sugar. Taste wise, I’ll have to try it again. It didn’t do anything for my oatmeal. I’m questioning whether having a little more weight on me is beneficial at all. Physically I felt like sh*t when I was underweight, but I still felt great about myself because I was thin. I was proud of it. I felt safe and had better body image. Now I’m average weight and have no self-esteem and poor body image. It’s a dichotomy. It’s this part of recovery that has tripped me up so many times. I get to this point of questioning whether recovery will really work for me. I have these constant thoughts about not being happy with my body image or feeling that I would rather restrict or how being super skinny is so much better. I want my thinking to align with my behavior. I want my body image to be great and to stick to my meal plan at the same time. Wishful. Thinking. Maybe it’ all or nothing thinking; if I don’t have the behaviors match the thoughts then I won’t allow myself to have either, the thoughts or behaviors. I don’t know how to reconcile myself to this. I don’t know how to continually make myself go to meetings and see my treatment team and adhere to my meal plan when my hearts not in it. I’m doing it, but I don’t want to hate myself for doing it.

2 thoughts on “Here’s your sign

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  1. Hi 🙂

    Thanks for commenting on my blog! Maybe your treatment team can help you explore WHY your heart's not in it? Just a thought….

    Sorry you had such an insensitive comment from that doctor. Silly man!

    Sarah x

  2. I am sorry you're stuggling right now. I imagine it's so frustrating for you….
    I see you trying so hard though! Reaching out, expressing yourself.
    I, for one, am proud of all of you!
    g.

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