I’ve still got it, but I don’t want it.

I purged tonight, and it was easy. Too easy. The last couple of times I purged it was difficult. I had to use all the little tricks I’ve learned along the way to make my food come up. It left my throat raw and my stomach burning and sensitive. This time I purged effortlessly. In fact, the food came up on its own, just like in the good ole’ days when I was purging daily. I know I sound like I’m proud but really I’m not. I’m finding my behaviors very alarming but can’t seem to stop myself.

This morning I was starving. I know my body needs more fuel than I’m giving it considering all the exercising I’m doing. But as I was eating this morning I felt out of control; I didn’t know when I was full so I ended up bingeing. I didn’t purge the food but it left to disordered eating through out the rest of the day. I couldn’t get a handle on myself. I felt very dissociative and could ‘feel’ my members/parts swirling in my head, bothering me as if they were influencing my behavior. The headache and pressure behind my eyes was immense. I should have tried to journal with them, but I didn’t. All I wanted to do was berate myself and think how I could reverse this morning’s damage.

So this evening, after a gluttonous dinner of rice, the idea to purge it came into my head. I fed an excuse to Husband that I wanted to shower, walked into the bathroom, and the rest you know about. Dinner was flushed. I find it curious that once I purged my members retreated. Gone is the headache and pressure behind my eyes. I no longer feel bothered by them.

I’m not happy with myself. I’m even less happy with the content I’ve been looking at on the Internet. I’ve been looking up pro-ana pages and thinspiration pages like I was a teenager. This scares me. These are behaviors that I engaged in before when my ED was at its worst. I’m scared I’m heading back there. I’m scared I will cancel the appointment with Dietician out of fear I’m not thin enough or needy enough to see her. I’m just plain scared.

Before it wouldn’t have mattered to me. I would be glad for purging. I wouldn’t comply with Dietician. I wouldn’t have been honest with Therapist about my recent behavior. But now it’s different. I truly want to get better. I want to get better and I want my members to get better.

I don’t know what else to say. ‘sigh’