I am quiet today. Silent. Not much to say. Certainly nothing of significance.
We slept all day today. Woke up just in time to shower and look presentable before D. came home from work. I guess we were really tired, or maybe depressed. We slept solid until 2:30. No breaks. I’m sure the body is tired and gutted from working out so much and purging. We’ve had to reset our “sobriety” counter on our main page…again. We’re in deep.
So we missed the assessment for PHP, again. Supposed to go tomorrow, but we are also scheduled for an epidural for our herniated disc, so we may not make it. It’s always something. I don’t care anyway. Any excuse not to go to that program. I need some hope at this point, and that program has never given me any hope or faith that I can get better. I only have bitter resentment for it.
The only time in my life I ever felt hopeful was in residential treatment. I really felt we could get better there. That’s not an option anymore. How does one breathe in and out everyday without hope? It’s like dying a little more each and every day.
We are feeling extra fat today because we didn’t work out. And sleeping makes it worse. You don’t use alot of calories sleeping, so that makes us extra undeserving of food and more inclined to restrict. I am trying to gather up enough motivation to go workout in the morning before the epidural because afterwards my back will be so sore and stiff we will only be able to lay down on a heating pad.
In other news: We attended my god-daughters conferences this week. They are twins and in the same grade. C. got straight A’s in her advanced classes, and O. got all A’s minus one C, which is okay because I know she did her best in math, so I’m okay that she got a C.
Lastly, a Seventeen magazine came in the mail yesterday. I had to laugh. One of our insiders, a teenager, is a fashionista and loves to shop and order crap on-line. So when the magazine came, we had no doubt who had ordered the subscription. We asked her and she sheepishly admitted to it. Lovely little minx. At least it wasn’t a $250.00 purse that she ordered one time. She’s been known to order high priced items we can’t afford.
Images and flashbacks are circling me. How much more can I take? If only someone had a magic wand because I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m so alone, in this all by myself. I’m so friggin’ tired that I honestly don’t know what to do or what’s best for me/us.
I want to go home…if I only had one. There’s crying on the inside, but on the outside is the sound of silence. No one knows. Tonight, we’re missing in sight.