Uncategorized

Great Unrealistic Expectations

My dog Maybelline is stressing me.  She wants to go on a walk, and I just don’t have it in me to get off this couch, which makes me feel like a terrible pet partner. Taken from today’s journal: Been a busy day.  Service, errands, back pain.  The works.  I wish I could take a muscle relaxer right now, but I’m supposed to take Mabes for walk, and I can’t do that if I’m asleep. Times and days are running together.  I find no support anywhere.  I was doing fine until Husband came home.  I was busy packing for our …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Protecting the Protector

I want to write, and I want to call out Sheila to discuss without emotion and bias what is happening regarding Tina, particularly and her denial of D.I.D. I’ll address my surmise of how Tina feels currently.  She wants to push the agenda that there is no dissociation because she feels out of the loop.  When was the last time she really had to defend and protect us?  Okay.  Besides the handshake incident.  Other than that, not too recently. I predict her services will be needed again, but she’s not used to being in the silent role.  She’s used to …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Conversations with my imagination

Saw Therapist again.  It was another wasted session where I refuted that I dissociate or have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.  To complicate matters more for me, he never came out and said, “Yes, you do have D.I.D.” which gives me cause for hope and despair.  If we don’t have D.I.D., then what is wrong with me?  I had a happy childhood.  Most of my memories growing up are good, though there are always some you wish you could leave behind and forget.  So now we are floating all adrift, don’t know where we’re going, how to get there, …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Hell hath no fury

I am not in the best of moods. I am very angry at myself. It was a whole weekend of being angry at myself. There is a picture I keep as my wallpaper on my computer of a time when Husband and I went to Charleston. In the picture I look very happy, big grin on my face. But I don’t look thin. While nutritionist would argue, argue, argue that I’m at a healthy weight in the picture, I don’t feel thin, and if I don’t feel thin then I feel dirty and vulnerable. I want to feel thin and …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Anger times infinity

Friedrich Nietzsche said, “Nothing on earth consumes a man more quickly than the passion of resentment.” This was the quote for my daily mediation today. I have to admit I’ve fallen prey to resenting the majority of my life and those who’ve played a role in its demise. It’s natural to resent being hurt, but if I’m TRULY honest with myself, I’ve made a career out of resenting those that have dishonored me and abused me. But I don’t know how to not be angry and resentful. Those people hurt me deeply, seemingly irrevocably. How do you get over that? …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Forgiveness or regret

I’m not sure how to begin this post. I’ve debated on whether to write this, sweep it under the rug, or dive full force into the topic of forgiveness/regret. For us, forgiveness is a four letter word and we rage against people that think you have to forgive to heal. So yesterday we came face to face with the topic of forgiveness. In our daily meditation book, the topic was forgiveness. Ron Palmer is quoted as saying, “Forgiveness or regret are the only choices we have.” It closes with the affirmation, “Forgiveness unties the knot that binds me to resentment …

Continue Reading
Uncategorized

Off my meds = on to a psych ward

So, since I have no psycho-iatrist, I have no meds. Since I have no meds, I am one heartbeat away from being committed to the psycho ward/looney bin/crazy tank. My emotions are all over the range. Sad, content, committed, depressed, excited, hopeless, frantic, ect… I am fighting with D. day and night. Not just verbal fighting but throwing things, explosive outbursts, and an apt to curse him out. Parts of me just can’t control it. It builds and builds and builds. Tonight, I took my laptop to the living room to do my computer crap, blog, e-mails, etc… and I’m …

Continue Reading