I am not in the best of moods. I am very angry at myself. It was a whole weekend of being angry at myself. There is a picture I keep as my wallpaper on my computer of a time when Husband and I went to Charleston. In the picture I look very happy, big grin on my face. But I don’t look thin. While nutritionist would argue, argue, argue that I’m at a healthy weight in the picture, I don’t feel thin, and if I don’t feel thin then I feel dirty and vulnerable. I want to feel thin and invisible. I want to disappear in my clothes so no one can find me.
So Saturday morning when I got out of the shower I accidentally saw myself in the mirror and my collar bones look just like the collar bones of that fat slob in the picture in Charleston. This sent me on a tail spin. From that moment on, I wasn’t myself. Both the good and bad sides of my eating disorder kicked into high gear. I was interminably berating myself for being such a loser. In an instant, my clothes didn’t fit, as if the mirror had really put weight on me. My whole weekend continued this way.
I was not myself. I was compelled by another member and I don’t know who she is. That’s the suckiest part of this whole thing: I can’t connect with another god damn member. I can’t know who’s persecuting me.
Today we see Therapist. With every generous fiber of my being I don’t not want to go in. He’s going to want to know how the weekend went. I can’t give specifics. I know the mirror and collarbone incident. I know I binged this weekend. I know I went and helped O. with a paper due on Monday. I can’t tell the inches of time in between that made up my bad mood; that made me so worthless. He might ask me to read my journal. I don’t want to do that. I just want to go exercise, but I know that won’t solve the internal dialogue going on inside.
Even though it’s Monday and a new week, I’m still carrying into it the same bad feelings from the weekend. Sure, I got up and showered, did my hair, applied my face. But someone won’t let it go. And I’ve learned it’s never about the food; it’s always about something else. I fucking don’t want to know what the something else is. Therapy has been hard enough lately. Maybe that’s the reason for the freak out in the bathroom. Who the hell knows?
I wish I didn’t feel so fat. Food seems dirty to me right now. I know I’m not being rational, but try telling that to an eating disorder that’s been in existence for 24 years.
So where do I go from here? How do I exorcise these feelings from my conscious? How do I not hate myself so damn much? Most, most, most importantly, how do I feel not so fat? Time will have to take care of me, because no one inside sure as hell will. Enough is enough.