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The Miserable Ones

It’s
not insignificant; it’s my life; it’s my mood. I thought I had made peace
with my obsession, but my definition of self-respect, self-worth, and
confidence is still determined by my weight.  
 I only wear sweat pants so no one can
see the shame layered on my hips and thighs. I don’t want to leave
the house because I’m too fat, and the house is tired of sheltering me and my insecurities, tired of hiding
me inside her judgmental walls. But I’m too afraid to leave the house at this weight.
I really don’t want to live at this number. I’m not suicidal, but I
would rather be dead than be this fat.
And
I can only guess my re-awakened obsession with my fat might have to
do with the nightmares and memories reminding me even more of my
shame and damage.
And
I’m upset. I miss Therapist, and we don’t see him for another week
and a half. We don’t know where to turn for support. We have no
one.
It doesn’t matter anymore.  
“He that lives upon hope will die fasting.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Life
has killed the dream I dream.” ~ Les Miserable

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1 thought on “The Miserable Ones”

  1. Oh, I can sooooooo relate! What beautiful, truthful words are these:
    "…the house is tired of sheltering me and my insecurities…"

    You are not alone, because your words echo many hearts, including my own.
    Stretch out your hand, Dear, and feel how close you are to others. Ones that UNDERSTAND.

    Shame's whole purpose is to alienate us. Healing's purpose is to reunite us, make us whole.
    Read me, read others. KNOW how you fit in.

    And the quote yours triggers in me is:
    "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick"…
    (somewhere in Psalms — don't have the will to look it up ATM…)

    — SynthGirl
    http://www.SynthiaMasters.com
    :O>

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