It’s been a rough twenty-four hours. I see my T. three times a week, and the days I don’t go in I don’t know what to do with myself. D. took the day off work yesterday to keep me company. The lonliness feels so pathological and morbid that I can’t take it. A deep hole wells up in me and I can’t describe how dangerous it feels. I AM NOT SUICIDAL, but the thought of going to sleep crosses my mind. I don’t know how to dig myself out of this malignant hole.
My thought process reminds me of the meditation that was e-mailed to me today.
“The difference between a mountain and a molehill is perspective.”
It’s all about how I’m thinking. Am I focusing on what is wrong with my life or am I looking at what is right? Yes, I could feel sorry for myself. I don’t have a job, school starts next month and I’m terrified, I have financial troubles, my house is messy, etc…
But I love the challenge that the meditation poses. It reads, “Give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and don’t be so harsh.” Giving the benefit of the doubt is what I always try to do with D. when we have a disagreement. I tell myself he didn’t mean to hurt me or whatever the case may be. And giving him the benefit of the works.
If other people deserve the benefit of the doubt, then why don’t I? What makes me so bad, so undeserving, so worthless, that I can’t give myself the benefit of the doubt? What is so inherently wrong with me?
While I should love myself and take better care of myself, I don’t have to do that to give myself the benefit of doubt. I can still give myself the benefit of the doubt. It’s about being a little bit gentle with myself, less critical, and realizing I’m not atypical. There are other people that struggle with life just as much as I do.
To my blogging friends, when I read their posts, I don’t criticize them or judge the quality of their post or what they have to say. I don’t judge their life. I value thier posts and their comments. If I don’t judge them, then why do I have to judge myself? I bet if I asked other people who have the same diagnosis as me they would admit to the same struggles as I have.
When I go to my support groups, we always end the meeting with the Lord’s prayer (which I don’t say), but the last words we say are “Just for today.” That will be my motto today.
Just for today, I’m going to view myself as human. I’m going to view myself as someone who is doing the best she can. The mountain of laundry decorating my living room is not a commentary on my worthlessness as a housekeeper. Just for today, I will view myself as valuable, even though I don’t have a job. Just for today, I will adhere to my meal plan, even though I feel fat. And lastly, just for today, I will allow myself to cry, to mourn my childhood, to feel all the painful feelings that sum up my existance. I will not judge myself for being human and experiencing my feelings.
Just for today, I will give myself the benefit of the doubt. I hope you do, too.