Not once, not twice, but three times today did somebody say they knew me and I have no recollection of them. This is quite a disconcerting feeling. Granted, all three ladies were in the same support group for eating disorders, and, according to the three amigos, they say they were all in treatment with me last Spring. I hate this feeling. It’s almost like being out of control because you, rather I, don’t remember these people from Adam. This isn’t the first time it has happened. Several years ago I ran into someone and they asked me how I was doing and to give his or her best to my “parents.” Again, I didn’t know this man from Adam.
It is one of the worst feelings in the world; it’s almost an embarrassment because people remember me but I don’t them. It almost seems rude. In any event, I could have met the Pope last Spring and not have remembered. I was struggling so much over my eating disorder that I was never well and didn’t have brain cells to remember them.
I have a new but relatable crisis on hand. I’m losing pieces of time. I’m in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) and I find myself not remembering group therapy or not remember if I had my snack or not. I lined up today to go to lunch and was informed that we had lunch five hours before and we were going down to dinner. It’s embarrassing and dehumanizing. That’s the only way I can describe it.
To make thing at least a little more difficult, there is an alter that has been dominating time outside and I am not sure why this alter is there. Was she chosen? Did she volunteer? I don’t have the answers. All I can say is that this alter has made my life in PHP dreadful. Her words get jumbled and tongue tied, She never can relate the point she wants because she loses her thoughts and she can’t articulate anything. This has only been a new problem. I don’t know who this alter is. I’m trying to get to know her by tuning in to what she’s doing and leaving the door open for any communication. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t hate this alter, but I hate how we look to the outside world, at least my therapy groups. We look ignorant, stupid, and like what we have to say is invaluable. This must be a new alter that hasn’t “come out” yet.
We’ve been doing so good with our meals. Some actually enjoy going to the hospital cafeteria. Seems silly but it puts a smile on my face. So, yes, we’ve been doing better, at least when we were inpatient. We completed 100% except one snack. Now that we are in PHP, we have to take care of eating breakfast and evening snack. To be honest, we haven’t had it in the three days we’ve been PHP. I am reminded of last year and how miserable we were. I don’t ever want to go back there.
I’m too scared to go forward and staying behind in my eating disorder is not an optional. But some of my behaviors act as if it is an option.
My thoughts are starting to crumble. I’m crashing into the calming, wonderful world of sleep meds. The ultimate escape.