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Ramblings of an unquiet mind

I’ve let my friends down. I’ve let myself down. I’ve let my members down. I can preach up and down the Mississippi River but none of it matters if I don’t head my own advice. The truth is I am non-compliant with my meal plan. Just my evening snack and breakfast is all I am missing, but even that is too much. I did so well in the hospital. I completed 100% every day, every meal, every snack. I didn’t have to be supplemented once. But now that I’m in the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), I am responsible for my own snack and breakfast and I’ve failed miserably to eat it. In fact, my stomach is growling and empty and I like it a lot. Hunger pains are my drug of choice.

Perhaps I am being too hard on myself; maybe not. With an eating disorder there is no margin of error, especially if one is underweight. My dietitian says I am still underweight but I only see myself as being disgusting, fat, and ugly. I can give people in my group all the feedback I can, but if I don’t heed my own advice what good has come? I know I’m in the wrong; I know I should eat my snack and breakfast; I know to trust the treatment team. But I hate myself more than is possible. I feel ugly.

I know it’s so much easier to focus on the food than the real issues at hand. Out of respect for the readers I will neglect elucidating on my “real issues”. I just know I feel fat and, while fat may not be a feeling, it sure as hell feels like one. I can tell I’ve gained weight and I’m not happy with it. With my clothes not fitting loosely anymore, the mirror reflects a person who isn’t happy with herself.

I think a migraine is coming on.

Thanks to all of you who e-mailed me or posted a message on my blog. I genuinely and authentically appreciate it.

Take care to all of you who stop by to read how we are missing in sight.

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