I took two risks today. I was sitting in A.N.A.D. (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders.) After the meeting began and the silence was deafening, I broke the silence and offered up what I am struggling with. As I tweeted earlier today, I binged and purged this morning. So one of the risks I took was talking about it during the A.N.A.D. meeting. Normally I just sit in silence and listen. I DO NOT like speaking in front of others, and especially to strangers.

I guess I’m fortunate. The people that attend A.N.A.D. also attend the Saturday E.D.A. (Eating Disorders Anonymous) so we are all familiar with each other and know some of each other’s stories. So I told everyone that I had “acted out” as we cryptically say. I didn’t know why I had the urge to binge and purge. It grew out of feelings from last night.

After I had my dinner, I started having the urge to binge and purge. I didn’t know why. I felt full and satiated from dinner. So I told my husband, D., that I was struggling with these urges and he sat with me until it was snack time. I was nervous about snack, that it would further spark urges to devour the kitchen sink, but I made it through snack okay. Then I took my meds that help me sleep and thirty minutes later I thought I had triumphantly handled my urges and fell asleep.

Wrong. I was not successful in reigning in my urges. BAM!!! As soon as I woke up this morning it was in my core, talking to me to binge and purge. I was dumbfounded that these urges followed me through sleep into the morning wake up. So I had breakfast, thinking that I would be full and not want to binge. Wrong again. I had a craving for more food, and I thought if I just handled my craving successfully I wouldn’t want to binge and purge. Yeah. I was yet again wrong. My urge to binge mushroomed and before I knew it I was in the middle of a full scale binge and I had to purge it.

So these are the things I shared in group. I was scared as heck, but I did it anyway. What’s the saying: feel the fear and do it anyway. And so I did. I get some really good feedback. Some one asked me how I expected the feeling to go away without dealing with it. I didn’t address the feelings last night so, of course, they followed me into the morning.

The second risk I took was asking someone from the group if they would like to get coffee next week after the meeting. She agreed and said she was looking forward to it. I was scared to ask her and obligate myself to socializing with her. I don’t have friends; I want friends but I find it exhausting. At least she knows a little bit about me. So I have the rest of this week and the beginning of next week to sweat it. But it’s just coffee, right? So I’m committed to maybe thirty minutes to an hour. I can do it.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I’ve got to do things differently if I want different results. And I want different results; I want life.