I love that quote from Hamlet b/c it is part of the soliloquy where he reveals his thoughts about suicide. Just think it’s poignant.
As for me, it’s too early for bed, but an unatural urge for sleep has come over me. I know what it is: I have an alter that puts me to sleep to protect me from stress. Meanwhile, I’m about to drop off any moment. It will be a miracle if I look at this tomorrow and my thoughts are centrical to the theme of this post, if there is a theme. 🙂 All I know is that heaven and hell are concurrently trying to drive me mad.
It’s been a difficult weekend. The pendulum has swung back and forth several repeatedly. The angel on my shoulder telling me to eat my f-ing snack and the devil on the other side telling me to restrict. Truth be known, I’ve listened to both sides this weekend. The weekends are so hard for me. Friday night I was coming out of my skin with anxiety. During the week, my days are structured from 10:00 to 7:00 with the partial hospitalization program. I have two meals and two snacks there. All I’m responsible for is my breakfast and my evening snack, which is quickly coming upon me as I sit here typing this blog. On the weekends I’m obviously responsible for everything. That alone is a trigger. Today I had an immense urge to binge and purge, but I didn’t. I got out of the house and went and did a light workout. I felt so much better afterwards. But I digress.
I’m worried about the sleepiness overpowering me and the eyelids that are heavy and closing. I worry that the alter is protecting me from the stress of having to eat with the birth parents at dinner. It was miserable. I hated the whole thing. My meal wasn’t even good. It was supposed to be a vegetable salad but it came out with bacon on it (I’m vegetarian) and it didn’t have the beets, edamame, or asparagus that was listed in the ingredients description. So not only did it suck that I had to eat with the bios, I had the suckiest meal. At least they paid.
I worry about the sleepingess because I don’t want to be dissociative. The weekends are always harder and I’m afraid come tomorrow I won’t be able to pull myself together. The last few weeks have been really tough and brought me in and out of in-patient hospitalization.
So if my alter IS trying to put me to sleep, the stressful meal with the bio. parents is why. I’m not close to the birth mother or father. I feel guilty, but I don’t know what else to do. I hate it that it makes the birth mother cry.
Poor bio mom. So fragile, so vulnerable, so manipulative. She really thinks I love her. Me? Not so much. Insert tears.
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