I am beside myself. I’m at a real loss for words. I’m not going to turn this into a blog on eating disorders, but since it’s so much a part of my recovery I have to include the topic as we document our journey and recovery.

Sometimes it takes my breath away. I was fine this evening, almost happy. I was enjoying the five tulips that are daring to grow among the many weeds in my yard. I started to prepare my dinner and the wave of fear came over me. Not fear but terror. I weighed and measured every morsel of food on my plate. I totaled the calories to make sure I was safe. Then I sat down to eat my salad, veggie burger, potato chips and yogurt.

I only have one specific fear food: peanut butter. Other than that, I can just about eat anything if it’s small enough and in my meal plan. But there’s one type of food that scares me more than anything and that’s food that is white and creamy. Anything white and creamy turns me crazy. (this post is fucking with my mind and not coming out right)

So what I’m trying to say is that I saved my yogurt for last. I didn’t look at it. I thought I had picked up the blueberry yogurt that is purple in color. When I pulled back the top, I saw it was stark white and creamy. I think to myself: I can do this. I’ve come this far with dinner; let me finish it like a good girl.

I take bite one of the white and creamy yogurt. It gives me an unexpected startle. I’ve “woken” someone up. I trudge on and take bite two. Flashback. One of my perps comes at me. I feel eleven years old and I can’t breathe. I’m choking, choking, choking.

(damn this post. i don’t know why it’s being written.)

3 thoughts on “

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  1. I understand and I'm so sorry. I'm glad, VERY glad that you are eating, but maybe, just maybe, you can throw that kind of yogurt in the trash and scream at them that you will NOT eat that. That you are grown up and powerful now and they can't make you do anything. I'd punch them for you if I could and I'd find a way to set that effing yogurt ON FIRE.


    Right now I am remembering years and years ago when I nearly starved to death. I had moved to a place with lots of snow and it triggered me. I was no longer able to eat because I feared choking and it made me have panic attacks. I could not escape the thought that 'eating' would mean my 'death'. I had died a thousand deaths and I couldn't even remember. I couldn't remember who I had been or how I was 'killed'. I could only quake with fear and starve to protect myself. I HATE the people who killed me. I HATE them.

    I would love to come and smash that container of yogurt for you. I would love to hug you and tell you that they are gone and give you something better to eat. Because you deserve to have nutrition. Defy them with excellent nutrition because you deserve to live and have good health. You can thumb your nose at them every time you have a nutritious meal that advances your health.

  2. I'm so sorry things are so hard with eating right now. If you turn it into a blog about eating, that's quite okay. Because I'm confident it won't stay a blog about eating. I understand fully what you write about. I know it feels nearly impossible to pull out of. But you did it before. And you can do it again.

  3. I understand the food thing. There are very few foods that I can eat! And texture is a big thing with me too…I don't do white and creamy either! Flan…ICK! anything like that…
    I understand the food aversions and the flashbacks.

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