I am beside myself. I’m at a real loss for words. I’m not going to turn this into a blog on eating disorders, but since it’s so much a part of my recovery I have to include the topic as we document our journey and recovery.

Sometimes it takes my breath away. I was fine this evening, almost happy. I was enjoying the five tulips that are daring to grow among the many weeds in my yard. I started to prepare my dinner and the wave of fear came over me. Not fear but terror. I weighed and measured every morsel of food on my plate. I totaled the calories to make sure I was safe. Then I sat down to eat my salad, veggie burger, potato chips and yogurt.

I only have one specific fear food: peanut butter. Other than that, I can just about eat anything if it’s small enough and in my meal plan. But there’s one type of food that scares me more than anything and that’s food that is white and creamy. Anything white and creamy turns me crazy. (this post is fucking with my mind and not coming out right)

So what I’m trying to say is that I saved my yogurt for last. I didn’t look at it. I thought I had picked up the blueberry yogurt that is purple in color. When I pulled back the top, I saw it was stark white and creamy. I think to myself: I can do this. I’ve come this far with dinner; let me finish it like a good girl.

I take bite one of the white and creamy yogurt. It gives me an unexpected startle. I’ve “woken” someone up. I trudge on and take bite two. Flashback. One of my perps comes at me. I feel eleven years old and I can’t breathe. I’m choking, choking, choking.

(damn this post. i don’t know why it’s being written.)