Ramblings of a gone mind

I’m not okay. I’m feeling rather rabid and English. The words are coming from somewhere else. I don’t know what to do with myself. I know what I should do, but “shoulds” are woulds that can’t help themselves.

I feel like Sarah McLachlin when she sang with the Perishers a song called “Pills.” She sang they weren’t alright, they needed pills to get through the night, needed lies to get through the day, and she wasn’t okay.

That’s how I feel today. My abusers are mingling with my memory, creating a cause for alarm and exhaustion. I find no solace anywhere, except in place I’m not allowed to look: a long sleep.

The nights are terrible for me. It seems that right after dinner it’s an all out panic attack for me. Nothing in my coping skills bag satisfies. I try to color, do puzzles, play a computer game, nothing compensates for my deterioriation. I dry up and crumble.

I’ve the perfect opportunity to act out on my eating disorder this morning. I “pray” I do not. I worked it out with D. that if I don’t act out on my eating disorder till the end of the month I can get my third tattoo, and I really want that tattoo.

I can feel my younger parts gathering around. This is really difficult. I don’t know where I’ve gone.

2 thoughts on “Ramblings of a gone mind

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  1. Call your therapist, call a friend, call someone who knows what you are going thru and cares enough about you to talk to you for a few minutes until EACH bout of confusion passes. Find the reason for all of this and you won't be reduced to having a bad day.

    Hope you are alright, thinking of you. (I like tattoos, too!)

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