Welcome to the party

I had decided not to write, and the words just weren’t in me. But I can not be silent for my own sake. My heart hurts. My soul aches and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I’m stressed beyond tolerance; I’m broken down inside. I don’t know how much more I can take.

I’ve been reduced from the full day program to the half day program and I am scared out of my mind. What will happen if I’m only half present? What will I do when the craving to binge and purge is beyond my ability to resist? I wasn’t ready to go half day, but it is the reality. Now I just have to deal.

I’m so impatient with myself. I want to be recovered yesterday. I can’t waste any more time. I look on the Internet at recipes for foods that I want to make, but I don’t make them because I will eat them and I’m not ready for that. Recovery is a long and arduous process. In five minutes I am supposed to have my evening snack. I don’t want it, but I know I don’t have to want it in order to eat it. It will go down just the same.

I’m resigned to do what I need to do just for this moment. I can’t worry about my next meal or my next snack. Only what’s right here in front of me.

There is a tremendous sadness that is aligned with my thought processes tonight. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just because I know I’ve lived with this disorder my whole life, and pile on a dissociative disorder that complicates the eating disorder just makes it worse. Life could be so much more than I know. Miley Cyrus may not think it’s about what’s “waiting on the other side” but for me it is. I’m climbing and it sucks every second of the way.

I know this sounds like a pity party, so welcome! I don’t mean for it to. I guess I’m just trying to think outloud on the Internet.

Thanks for letting me share.

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