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Finite Capability

Depression has slammed into me today; a blanket of bruising blues.  And the head hurts like fireworks exploding inside their own shells.   I don’t know how this post will be accomplished.

I didn’t realize the extent to which my emotions had captured me when I woke this morning until I couldn’t figure out which breakfast had the fewer calories.  My indecision told me I was in store for a difficult day.

I consumed my breakfast, and now it has consumed me: the worry, the constant turning over in my head how I will burn the calories or will I give in and relax today.

I fell back asleep and slept through the time I normally walk my dog Maybelline; however, her incessant whining to take her out bullied me into acquiescing and I walked her.

Days like this I hate because there is no structure, which makes restriction all the more difficult.  Husband works both jobs today, so I will not see him until tomorrow.

This week has been difficult.  Either I’ve been dissociative all week or I’m just stupid because I have not been abler to process information to any degree.  I’ll read and not comprehend at all what it means.  It’s not a matter of not being able to pay attention.  What’s happening is I’m just not “getting” it.   I’ve been following allow in printed work while it is audibly read to me, so it’s not a matter of not being able to pay attention or a learning style.  My thoughts are thick and sluggish, like when I get dissociative.  It doesn’t surprise me the parts and pieces would be more active right now considering the back and forth arguing over what is happening regarding food, a fight we don’t want anymore but can’t let go.

Someone made a meme last night.  I observed it, though didn’t participate, but I guess I was complicit because I didn’t try to stop it.  Lately, there has been the faintest whisper, barely detectable, unidentifiable, that tries to whisper, “It’s okay.  You can let go now.”

And when this little suggestion comes, there is almost but not really a tender suggestion of peace.  I become teary now thinking about it, but quickly snap back to reality because that murmur is always followed up with the louder voices that are mean and punishing and resolute to do the opposite.

Fuck them all.

I’m done.  My head hurts.  I can’t finish this post.

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